Descartes- "it is prudent never to trust completely those who have deceived us even once"

That particular guy,

Hello. How are you? Do you remember the first time we met, that particular spot at that restaurant? That We had been on that spot twice? Do you remember our first convos? I remember your twinkling eyes, your laugh, your smile, that boyish smirk of yours, and that particular look you gave me after we kissed-don't even think that I didn't notice. I've always been comfortable around you and I've always felt like I can tell you everything then shared the comfortable silence throughout our long drive. And now, I cant help but to wonder how you've been. Or whether you're on your dark days. 

To be frank, I loved you. I've told you that, but I didn't think you see how much-which is understandable because I'm not good at expressing myself in this department. God, did you even realize how much it kills me knowing that  you've lied and deceived me? That you've been using me just to fulfill your 'needs'? I hate myself for cutting us off just like this. But I can't bear the pain of being your friend after what you've done, and knowing that I can't be with you. Because you're with her. And the fact that I can see that you've been good to her. You made her happy. And I thank you for that. People often blame the other woman but have they been placing themselves on their shoes, knowing that no matter how big the effort they made, it is always painful to know the truth that they're not the first or second choice, but they're not even a choice? No one should be in that position voluntarily. 

At one point, it's just hard to think of not talking to you and having this overly passionate conversation about anything. But time heals all wounds, Now, I'm in my happy place. I've moved on, but I dont want to experience that vicious cycle again. I may not ready to face you now, but someday I will be. And I hope things are still alright between us at that time. I just hope that we made peace with ourselves. I know that I said that we couldn't be friends again, but honestly, I wish that we can have that kind of connection again--you know being good friends and all. I really wish our path cross in the future. Because, it really is such a great loss for me to lose someone who understand me on that level. At least we're on the same page on that.

Sincerely, from someone who wishes you to always see the sunshine, even when you're on you darker days. 

Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day.- Markus Zusak, the Book Thief

It's funny how life works.

I used to be proud of myself. Of my armor. Of my logic. Claiming that I actually use my brain to actually feel. That I certainly would not dive first, unlike other people, where you will most likely be left hurt and scarred. That I would not give myself that easily to anyone out there. That I have successfully made a fortress that would not easily be cracked. That I would be careful.

But life smacks me right down on my face. It challenges me with my ultimate weakness, the feeling of comfort. And boy, did I dive right in without processing any of this.

I don't know if that's your forte, making people comfortable with you. Or that we're just compatible with each other(which I actually like to think, sometimes). Or the time you said that there's something in me that comforts you, where even in the moments of silence, you've never felt like you're supposed to say something, but rather comforted by those silence. Or maybe the fact that we have a huge common interests-- to the point where we have the same type of trash-conversation. 

You displayed your stories on the plate right away. Your life. Your problem. Your episodes. Your past and experiences. So I told you mine. Not very eventful, I guess compared to yours. But you seem very interested, so I kept on going, giving you tidbits of my stories, while subconsciously destroying my own fortress bricks by bricks.

Then you hold my hand. I'd be lying if I say that it did not give any butterflies, or made me think whether or not you feel my heart beating loud and hard against your arm. Then you made me drunk with your hugs and kisses, that is oddly comforting. Suddenly I found myself craving for your hugs. And snuggles. And hands. Add the fact that you said that you like me a lot. I know that it can be a potential bullshit, but it did not even came to my mind at the time you said it. And that's the time that I realize that I've trusted you enough to let you in over the shield, fortress and everything that I've tried so hard to built.  

But somehow you did. I'm not sure how this would end, but thank you. For making me feel the most beautiful, complicated, and even possibly destructive feeling known to mankind. 

Regarding today's (kinda) revelation:

Have you ever feel like  you consider yourself crap, then suddenly someone said that you're good but then you'making mental note to yourself that you'd  work your ass off just because you're just so scared that you're crappy enough to disappoint that person?

But then you realize that even if they make bad comments/criticizing your work then you're going to work your ass off anyway just because you feel like you let a lot of people down?













Or am I just being my doubtful-unconfident self?

taken from Lang Leav - Love and Misadventure

I'd like to think that you're that angel. Because I believe that you're much too good person to actually use me to your disposal. Whatever we've shared is too precious for me to be forgotten, and I wish you all the happiness in this world, which I know you deserve.

Goodbye 2014 and Thanks

snippets from 2014 :)

So here I am with multiple chrome windows consisting of cases and stuff that I'm researching on, words documents, pdfs, itunes-to keep me awake and concentrate-open, in bed, with my laptop that probably has not been shut down for almost a month now. Realizing that I'm on the edge of 2014, I realize that this year has been such an adventure. 

I can't help but to feel like all of them are just blurring memories due to the fact that the year literally runs with the speed of light. So much things happen. I remember from day 1 of the year, I had to prepare my high school batch's event from our juniors, to the very last day, which is now, where I've got some research to do.

But right now, I can't help but to feel grateful to be able to experience things that came into my way. People that I met, people that I got to know, people that I got to work with. Things that I feel, elation, hearing the news that I got accepted into this whole big body of organization and this small but closely knitted family of moot competition that I join, pissed, nervous, anxious, and feeling not sure of myself and questioning of whether I am actually deserve this all or I just simply stranded here, lost, feeling like trash, stupid, dumb, betrayed, frustrated, demotivated........I basically feel like I am finally living and actually experiencing things. And for that, I am grateful. 

Which makes me remember that I got a lot of firsts this year! But nope, still no boyfriend unfortunately lol but I don't think that I am that desperate to get myself one though. I still have my friends and family anyway, in which I can always drag anytime I want to go somewhere. (some of my firsts are actually called cute by a guy, having an online friend, a guy that i took picture with in an event turns out not wanting to let go of my arm-although it was just a joke but still!--watching movies with another guy..... well see! progress!)

Contemplating these things makes me happy somehow-it actually feels like I'm not really wasting my  time. I am actually learning (yes learning, not studying), facing out my  fears of getting into big waterslides and ended up craving for it until now, trying new things, finding out that pleading, as hard as it is, is actually quite fun, and go out meeting and making new friends along the way. I also realize that things do not go as I wanted to do but oh well- it's just the way it is and sometimes you just have to roll with it.  My resolution? Well I think I got my  lifetime resolution got checked this year so I think that's real good for me lol I don't really made resolution anyway beside being happy and giving my  best shot in anything and working out more-which I did! 

Anyway. Really. I am really grateful for being able to experience and feel those things in 2014. I know that 2015 will be a challenging year, but I'm really looking forward to it. 

I dont even know that this is possible, but had a dream of you last night. Of us. The two of us, together. And home. And how happy we are

And as i woke up, i still couldn't believe of how real it feels. And how happy i was, tangled with you by my side. Hugging you, as awkward as it was, but still happy nonetheless. 

And as i laid awake, i was also aware that we just can't be. That this was just a dream. That i didnt see your face. Expression. Gaze. Of whether your eyes would shine from happiness of being with me. Whether you'd smile as wide as me. Whether you'd be as happy. 

Longing. So that's how it actually feels like

Awww :3

Toothless Figure!

I just got this today. Very cute. Absolutely adorable. I mean, look at those eyes! Look at it!

Anyway I am so grateful, speechless and shaken-to the point where I can't meh and pft anymore-because whoa you're actually doing this. I mean, who would've thought that someone would spend some amount of money and go to such trouble in filling the address form(since my address is THAT complicated) for someone you hardly knew-at least physically, since we haven't even met. So thank you. Infinite thank you. 

Looking at my old posts, well it seems to me that you change a lot of my beliefs and all. and I'm not sure where this ride is taking me. It's kind of twisted, I trust you while I'm not giving myself completely. and that scares me.

Sweet Distraction

Hello guys, it's me again

Anyway, finals were already over for a week, and that means, the summer holiday has come. Major yay.
During finals, which stretch up into 3 weeks, luckily, filled with national holidays every several days,  which gave us moments to be able to breath-after stayed up on the previous night until like, 3 a.m in  the morning.

Seriously, on finals, i fell asleep to the sound of chuckling chicken, which is the sign that the sun has started to rise. While i'd have to get up in like, the next 3 hours for the exam.

Anyway, this posts is not about me ranting about how my life was during the finals, but, what I had done to postpone studying. Anyway, here they are
Things that I had done to keep myself out of studying.

1. Check my cellphone every several minutes(still normal)
2. Chatting to my friends and scrolling on 9gag, twitter, etc(normal)
3. Doodling(pretty much normal, depending on what I doodle)
4. Looking at the table, and see if it's tidy enough. If it isn't, I'd tidy it first(acceptable?)
5. Scribbling some random words, quotes, or sentences(okay)
6. Solving random mathematical problems(I'm studying Law, what was I doing?)
7. After all things mentioned in point 1-6 are done, when still don't want to study, or still "distracted", look for any dirty clothing. If there is any(there is always any), wash it.(dafuq are you doing.....)

What? Is washing my dirty clothing a bad escapade from studying? pft.

Rainy thoughts

"Because, darling, there is simply nothing more painful than rejection and abandonment." 

"Maybe this is what I can do best, you know, brushing people away from me"

"It's possible that people is being nice to other people--not because they're actually nice--but because they know how it actually feels to be treated badly" 

Recognition

Are we all..starving for recognition of some sorts?

To be known for your traits

To be known for what you've done

To be known by someone dear

To be known for your ablilities

To be known for your work

To be known for your achievements

All lies on the inner layer, concealed by selflessness since no one can deny the simplest pleasure of knowing that someone-if not people, recognize you. That it feels good to feel proud and to make someone else proud because of it, no matter how small it is. 

Because everyone is fascinated in everything, and somehow, we want to make at least one person, to be fascinated by something within us--or us to be recognized at. 

I feel like a legitimate fool. It is said that "human should never be like a donkey, that falls into the very same trap twice". 

Well apparently, in this exact moment, I am the donkey. 

See? Better not to get your hopes up, then. Regardless of that, give it a shot to anything that appears now. It might turns up into something better. 

I don't get people who always fuss and complains about having no one to spend your weekend with, I mean the way someone have a relationship would. Like, I know that you're single but I have been single for 18 years aka all my life and I am happy with the way I am, which is with spending my weekends with tv shows and internet connection. 

Sincerely, me, who almost having no one to spend my weekends with except my family, movies, games and the internet and feels like nothing but content. 

The Ballad of being a Freshman

Hello

I always finds new things interesting. New faces, hesitation, hellos and what-is-your-names, the feeling of guessing which-one-is-that-name-? getting lost in new buildings, and looking at, ah, "interesting" seniors, and not to mention, the weird feeling of not knowing what to say to a person.

It is thrilling, to be a part of the minority. But alas, being me, I crawled my way to the crowd. New faces, new perspective, new person altogether. All this are overwhelming. I'm like a thin sponge, desperately trying to absorb as much water as I can.

But accompanied by experiencing all those glitz and glams, I can't help but to feel like a dust.

Being a person who experience difficulties with adapting in new places, to be new in every environment is a little bit scary. Exchanging names and new faces, new peer groups formed God knows when since we've been here just for about two months and I am still amaze with the way that I can withstand all this. It's not that I'm that bad in adapting into new places but I don't like to feel that silence awkwardness since I am not that good in socializing, as I am not exactly an extrovert who always know the right thing to be said every single time. I always feel that it isn't exactly pretty when you're sitting with someone that you supposedly know, and another people talks like they've known forever, yet when I'm sitting with them there was a sheer awkwardness.

Else? Of course I already have close friends--I'm not as bad as you think that I would be! But still no boyfriends--as always. Speaking of boyfriends, how exactly people find themselves boyfriends--or girlfriends? How can people get a new ones so fast? Does it like, you meet someone, then what? bombarding them with questions? How do people exactly flirt with other people?  

Anyway, there are no reason for me to be cynical toward this new life. Well anyone wouldn't complain getting home at 2 p.m top when you can sleep until 7 a.m. I didn't even remember how I survived high school's hectic schedule with piles and piles of tasks. I remember going to school at 6.30 a.m then arrived at home at 8 p.m, plus homeworks and such.

Speaking of high school life, everytime I see people wearing those white and grey-a.k.a high school uniform, I still feel like I am still in highschool. Like my very soul are left there. Being here is still a dream, in which I am afraid to be awaken.  

For those who are wondering how I am right now and the reason why I suddenly begin writing in my blog, which is probably already full of spiderwebs and dusts, I am fine, I am happy, and I am alright. Mid tests are over, which means my coffee-budget are no longer needed. But I am also fed up. These past weeks had been crazy. Mid tests had been crazy. Tasks had been crazy. Papers are hundreds of times crazier. And the weird thing is, I had become too accustomed in writing more than 10 paged papers from scratch, no wikipedia, just me, my brain, my finger, and my laptop. And several literature as references,which was really hard for me then. Now, I, too still have a group paper that needs to be done. This has been a really good escapade, by the way. Well I guess I am pretty good at this, escaping. 

"Making your way into a new circle is always hard. Yes, it is always nerve-wracking. Even me, who was always in demand of making my way into a new circle, feeling anxious and nervous. It is uncomfortable, adapting. And it is actually very human to feel nervous and scared"   --Mom, who is regularly placed in an unfamiliar circumstances and culture for almost every 3 years, for a 4 years of work.

Day 30-- Your Highs and Lows of This Month

"I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend"--John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

This past month, my mood, well, in a straight horizontal line. I barely went out with anyone. But when I did go, my mood goes olympus-high. It is always nice to meet people, went out to eat, chatting about nothing in particular, exchanging jokes and sharing laughs, and actually having a social life.

As you know, I'm a non believer of the "artificial pleasure" of socializing in social media. I mean, why do you chat with anyone you barely know? How could you exchanging jokes with people that don't even know your real face? I know that people would judge me as a loner or something but I prefer to meet and chat with someone. Yes, there might be some awkward moments but I don't care. It's amusing. But one chat in particular, after midnight feast in the middle of ramadhan where thoughts were cloudy with sleep and stomachs were full with food and you have this conflicted feeling where your eyes demand sleep and your stomach begs you not to, interests me. And it's about boys in our major, which always interest me. And mind you, it'sin social media, but with someone I know of course. And it is actually fun.

Anyhow, this month is the month of separation, and the month of growth. And growing isn't in the same dictionary as comfortable, I'm afraid. This month, I have to spend at least a month in a dorm, the longest I've been without my family in a foreign city so far, and separated with my lovely-and-in-dire-need-of-boyfriend-and-romance cousin, who always been with me and I can actually ride my bike to go to her house whenever I wanted, and she goes to another campus in another town. Which was sad.

I understand that certain things have to be learned the hard way, but still........

Bye!!

Day 29-- A Letter to Yourself in 10 Years

Uhm, hello

What is it like in 2023? Are there still elephants? Giraffes? Tigers? Can you still breath the clean air in the morning? Are there still clean water? Can you hear the birds chirp in the morning? Or the sound of frogs at night? How's the house that I've been living at for 18 years? Do you still play the piano? How's your Clair de Lune?

How's my college life? Do I make it alright? Can I prove to myself that I am good enough to be here? Do I meet someone special to me when I was in college? Do anyone love me and confessed his love or do I meet my first love here? Do I graduate with a good score? 

Sorry for bothering you with all this questions. I can't help but to wonder what my future would be like. Whether I meet someone. If my child is a boy or a girl, and wondering how they would look. Do they look like their dad or me? What kind of person my husband might be. Whether I've been making the right choice or not. Or where I will work and whether I enjoy it or not. 

So, do you enjoy your life? I, being a first timer in this so called "dorm", is happy in the current time. Although the cute boy, whose mom is the dorm keeper, seems to always bother us and asking us to play with him. I guess he is a kind of lonely, whether he realizes it or not. A child with no brother or sister usually is. Well, maybe he like the presence of someone whom he could play with. I remember the time my older cousin spend the night in my house. I keep telling her to play with me until it's like, 10 pm. I realize that she got a big dose of patience in her.

Anyway, remember to always make time for your child. Don't overwork yourself. Learn to cook like Jamie Oliver, if you remember who he is. Love everyone, and don't judge anyone. Listen to other people, and don't say the word "don't do that" unless you give the explanation why, and don't break your child's opinion, and respond to it nicely. Play dress up with your daughter, and read to your children every night. Do everything with passion. Dress up nicely, and be nice to everyone. On top of it all, always be the best version of you all the time. 

P.S Do you think that I'll be married and have a child in 28?

Day 28--Something That You Miss

I miss Kindergarten. Really. Kindergarten is probably the happiest moment of man's life. You don't have to think about anything, and you can befriended everyone. No one can judge you, and no one laugh at you when you fall. Nobody laugh at you when you cry. No blackmail, no jealousy. No one cares if you get yourself dirty or sweaty.

All you have to do when you're in kindergarten is wake up, eat your mom's breakfast, take a bath, get your hair ready by your mom, which is always done in a cute way, and go. When you arrived at school, all you have to do is sing, draw, and play. And most importantly playing, which take lots of time. And it's always good, and feeling ridiculously happy just to sit in the see-saw. That time, life is always simple. And happiness is as simple as buying ice cream in the nearby store and when you sit in the swing. Or even falling and get your knees bleed because you got into a bicycle race, life is still good.

my cousin(left) and I. When can you go to school and be this cute?

Day 27-- Your Favorite Number

Probably 7. Actually, I think all numbers are all the same. I don't like numbers. They brings devastation and desperation for everyone. They're not even that exact. Why 1 is better than 3, although not in all case? Why does 5 preceed 6? Why we have to find a definite form of x? Well I like number in one thing. Money