Regarding today's (kinda) revelation:

Have you ever feel like  you consider yourself crap, then suddenly someone said that you're good but then you'making mental note to yourself that you'd  work your ass off just because you're just so scared that you're crappy enough to disappoint that person?

But then you realize that even if they make bad comments/criticizing your work then you're going to work your ass off anyway just because you feel like you let a lot of people down?













Or am I just being my doubtful-unconfident self?

taken from Lang Leav - Love and Misadventure

I'd like to think that you're that angel. Because I believe that you're much too good person to actually use me to your disposal. Whatever we've shared is too precious for me to be forgotten, and I wish you all the happiness in this world, which I know you deserve.

Goodbye 2014 and Thanks

snippets from 2014 :)

So here I am with multiple chrome windows consisting of cases and stuff that I'm researching on, words documents, pdfs, itunes-to keep me awake and concentrate-open, in bed, with my laptop that probably has not been shut down for almost a month now. Realizing that I'm on the edge of 2014, I realize that this year has been such an adventure. 

I can't help but to feel like all of them are just blurring memories due to the fact that the year literally runs with the speed of light. So much things happen. I remember from day 1 of the year, I had to prepare my high school batch's event from our juniors, to the very last day, which is now, where I've got some research to do.

But right now, I can't help but to feel grateful to be able to experience things that came into my way. People that I met, people that I got to know, people that I got to work with. Things that I feel, elation, hearing the news that I got accepted into this whole big body of organization and this small but closely knitted family of moot competition that I join, pissed, nervous, anxious, and feeling not sure of myself and questioning of whether I am actually deserve this all or I just simply stranded here, lost, feeling like trash, stupid, dumb, betrayed, frustrated, demotivated........I basically feel like I am finally living and actually experiencing things. And for that, I am grateful. 

Which makes me remember that I got a lot of firsts this year! But nope, still no boyfriend unfortunately lol but I don't think that I am that desperate to get myself one though. I still have my friends and family anyway, in which I can always drag anytime I want to go somewhere. (some of my firsts are actually called cute by a guy, having an online friend, a guy that i took picture with in an event turns out not wanting to let go of my arm-although it was just a joke but still!--watching movies with another guy..... well see! progress!)

Contemplating these things makes me happy somehow-it actually feels like I'm not really wasting my  time. I am actually learning (yes learning, not studying), facing out my  fears of getting into big waterslides and ended up craving for it until now, trying new things, finding out that pleading, as hard as it is, is actually quite fun, and go out meeting and making new friends along the way. I also realize that things do not go as I wanted to do but oh well- it's just the way it is and sometimes you just have to roll with it.  My resolution? Well I think I got my  lifetime resolution got checked this year so I think that's real good for me lol I don't really made resolution anyway beside being happy and giving my  best shot in anything and working out more-which I did! 

Anyway. Really. I am really grateful for being able to experience and feel those things in 2014. I know that 2015 will be a challenging year, but I'm really looking forward to it. 

I dont even know that this is possible, but had a dream of you last night. Of us. The two of us, together. And home. And how happy we are

And as i woke up, i still couldn't believe of how real it feels. And how happy i was, tangled with you by my side. Hugging you, as awkward as it was, but still happy nonetheless. 

And as i laid awake, i was also aware that we just can't be. That this was just a dream. That i didnt see your face. Expression. Gaze. Of whether your eyes would shine from happiness of being with me. Whether you'd smile as wide as me. Whether you'd be as happy. 

Longing. So that's how it actually feels like

Awww :3

Toothless Figure!

I just got this today. Very cute. Absolutely adorable. I mean, look at those eyes! Look at it!

Anyway I am so grateful, speechless and shaken-to the point where I can't meh and pft anymore-because whoa you're actually doing this. I mean, who would've thought that someone would spend some amount of money and go to such trouble in filling the address form(since my address is THAT complicated) for someone you hardly knew-at least physically, since we haven't even met. So thank you. Infinite thank you. 

Looking at my old posts, well it seems to me that you change a lot of my beliefs and all. and I'm not sure where this ride is taking me. It's kind of twisted, I trust you while I'm not giving myself completely. and that scares me.