Turns

I know that this is something that you have been obsessed since like, forever. And I know you guys had plotted which way you would take to guide you to your goal.

But the truth is, I never meant something like this would happen. I didn't even feel qualified to get this. I chose this because, well I don't know, the dream of the moment. I might had been drunk(not literally) when I chose this.

I would have lied if I never hoped to get this. But I didn't even dare to dream to get it. I know who you guys are, for God's sake, who doesn't? And then here I am, suddenly out of nowhere, interfering.

I was not a threat then, just a random girl, choosing this, causing everyone to think that I'm wasting my talent. But when something that you wanted, something that your parents expected you to do, and something that you like to do do not cross path, what else can I do?

But then it happened. I was happy with this, for I am selfish. But then reality crashed and I thought about your place. My probability was smaller than you guys, and this one is peculiar. 

And then I knew that we ended up in the same place, just with different ways. I think maybe this was meant to be, but I am aware of your feelings and I feel...uneasy. It doesn't feel right. I was not closely acquainted with all you guys so I don't know what you might think about all this, what you might feel about this, so I don't know how to act in front of you guys. I choose to stay in silence but It's making me more and more confused.

So If you've ever read this(probably not, though) I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, or if you think that I am on your way, or I.. I don't know. I know that it's not my place to say sorry, because I think that I did no wrong. I don't understand the selection's mechanism. I'm sure that by score, I mean, we're on different major and I was the one who cross the path. By portfolio, I'm sure that yours are better. As far as I know, I didn't have any relative to help me to get in. This is purely decide by God, and the selection team. 

People said to me to have no worries, but I can't shake the uneasiness of the probability of hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry for that. 

A 30 days challenge?

You know what? A 30 day challenge is interesting. I might as well as doing it. Uhmm maybe someday?

Agak sedih sih, tapi mau gimana lagi?

Nggak kok, nggak ngeluh dan nganggep diri sendiri sebagai 'korban' atau semacamnya tapi ya.. Gimana ya? Bingung.

Takut pas sampai ke waktunya dan gue malah ga tau apa dan siapa-siapa. Dan pasti disana gue dicap sebagai 'pemain' buruk kan? Toh di lingkaran ini juga gue bukan pemain yang sebagus itu. Dan ditambah gue, mungkin me-label diri sendiri (atau emang kenyataan?) sebagai orang yang ga terlalu bisa masuk ke 'lingkaran luar' gue. Gara-gara itu, ya gue tau dong, it's a hard thing to do to get into their circle.

Ini toh bukan salah mereka. Tapi gue juga disini ngambil 'peran'. Peran utama malah. Kalo di Harry Potter, gue ya, si Snape. Penting? Nggak kok. Hanya menjadi kunci. Dan memang mungkin di hidup dia ada kunci-kunci yang lain yang gue ga pernah tau sama sekali, entah karena gue emang terlalu cuek dan ga pengen pernah tau karena gue pikir itu akan jadi beban(sebenernya ini lebay), atau gue pengen tau tapi ga ada yang ngasih tau, atau mungkin gue sendiri yang terlalu malu untuk nanya.

Toh wanting something that we can't have is au naturale for us humans, kan? But sometimes, we don't remember what we have. Soalnya sesuatu yang kita punya ya, kita udah tau, rasanya apa luar-dalam mengalami, apapun atau dengan siapapun. Bosen kan? Banget. Ngga kok gue ngga bosen. Toh mereka selalu ada tetek-bengek ini-itu. Tapi ya, kalau 'itu' hadir atau ada walaupun sekelebat, mungkin gue akan mengalami apa yang semua orang rasakan. It is too late but its better than never, kan? Tapi, apakah saya atau anda yang harus memulai?