I feel like a legitimate fool. It is said that "human should never be like a donkey, that falls into the very same trap twice". 

Well apparently, in this exact moment, I am the donkey. 

See? Better not to get your hopes up, then. Regardless of that, give it a shot to anything that appears now. It might turns up into something better. 

I don't get people who always fuss and complains about having no one to spend your weekend with, I mean the way someone have a relationship would. Like, I know that you're single but I have been single for 18 years aka all my life and I am happy with the way I am, which is with spending my weekends with tv shows and internet connection. 

Sincerely, me, who almost having no one to spend my weekends with except my family, movies, games and the internet and feels like nothing but content. 

The Ballad of being a Freshman

Hello

I always finds new things interesting. New faces, hesitation, hellos and what-is-your-names, the feeling of guessing which-one-is-that-name-? getting lost in new buildings, and looking at, ah, "interesting" seniors, and not to mention, the weird feeling of not knowing what to say to a person.

It is thrilling, to be a part of the minority. But alas, being me, I crawled my way to the crowd. New faces, new perspective, new person altogether. All this are overwhelming. I'm like a thin sponge, desperately trying to absorb as much water as I can.

But accompanied by experiencing all those glitz and glams, I can't help but to feel like a dust.

Being a person who experience difficulties with adapting in new places, to be new in every environment is a little bit scary. Exchanging names and new faces, new peer groups formed God knows when since we've been here just for about two months and I am still amaze with the way that I can withstand all this. It's not that I'm that bad in adapting into new places but I don't like to feel that silence awkwardness since I am not that good in socializing, as I am not exactly an extrovert who always know the right thing to be said every single time. I always feel that it isn't exactly pretty when you're sitting with someone that you supposedly know, and another people talks like they've known forever, yet when I'm sitting with them there was a sheer awkwardness.

Else? Of course I already have close friends--I'm not as bad as you think that I would be! But still no boyfriends--as always. Speaking of boyfriends, how exactly people find themselves boyfriends--or girlfriends? How can people get a new ones so fast? Does it like, you meet someone, then what? bombarding them with questions? How do people exactly flirt with other people?  

Anyway, there are no reason for me to be cynical toward this new life. Well anyone wouldn't complain getting home at 2 p.m top when you can sleep until 7 a.m. I didn't even remember how I survived high school's hectic schedule with piles and piles of tasks. I remember going to school at 6.30 a.m then arrived at home at 8 p.m, plus homeworks and such.

Speaking of high school life, everytime I see people wearing those white and grey-a.k.a high school uniform, I still feel like I am still in highschool. Like my very soul are left there. Being here is still a dream, in which I am afraid to be awaken.  

For those who are wondering how I am right now and the reason why I suddenly begin writing in my blog, which is probably already full of spiderwebs and dusts, I am fine, I am happy, and I am alright. Mid tests are over, which means my coffee-budget are no longer needed. But I am also fed up. These past weeks had been crazy. Mid tests had been crazy. Tasks had been crazy. Papers are hundreds of times crazier. And the weird thing is, I had become too accustomed in writing more than 10 paged papers from scratch, no wikipedia, just me, my brain, my finger, and my laptop. And several literature as references,which was really hard for me then. Now, I, too still have a group paper that needs to be done. This has been a really good escapade, by the way. Well I guess I am pretty good at this, escaping. 

"Making your way into a new circle is always hard. Yes, it is always nerve-wracking. Even me, who was always in demand of making my way into a new circle, feeling anxious and nervous. It is uncomfortable, adapting. And it is actually very human to feel nervous and scared"   --Mom, who is regularly placed in an unfamiliar circumstances and culture for almost every 3 years, for a 4 years of work.

Day 30-- Your Highs and Lows of This Month

"I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend"--John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

This past month, my mood, well, in a straight horizontal line. I barely went out with anyone. But when I did go, my mood goes olympus-high. It is always nice to meet people, went out to eat, chatting about nothing in particular, exchanging jokes and sharing laughs, and actually having a social life.

As you know, I'm a non believer of the "artificial pleasure" of socializing in social media. I mean, why do you chat with anyone you barely know? How could you exchanging jokes with people that don't even know your real face? I know that people would judge me as a loner or something but I prefer to meet and chat with someone. Yes, there might be some awkward moments but I don't care. It's amusing. But one chat in particular, after midnight feast in the middle of ramadhan where thoughts were cloudy with sleep and stomachs were full with food and you have this conflicted feeling where your eyes demand sleep and your stomach begs you not to, interests me. And it's about boys in our major, which always interest me. And mind you, it'sin social media, but with someone I know of course. And it is actually fun.

Anyhow, this month is the month of separation, and the month of growth. And growing isn't in the same dictionary as comfortable, I'm afraid. This month, I have to spend at least a month in a dorm, the longest I've been without my family in a foreign city so far, and separated with my lovely-and-in-dire-need-of-boyfriend-and-romance cousin, who always been with me and I can actually ride my bike to go to her house whenever I wanted, and she goes to another campus in another town. Which was sad.

I understand that certain things have to be learned the hard way, but still........

Bye!!

Day 29-- A Letter to Yourself in 10 Years

Uhm, hello

What is it like in 2023? Are there still elephants? Giraffes? Tigers? Can you still breath the clean air in the morning? Are there still clean water? Can you hear the birds chirp in the morning? Or the sound of frogs at night? How's the house that I've been living at for 18 years? Do you still play the piano? How's your Clair de Lune?

How's my college life? Do I make it alright? Can I prove to myself that I am good enough to be here? Do I meet someone special to me when I was in college? Do anyone love me and confessed his love or do I meet my first love here? Do I graduate with a good score? 

Sorry for bothering you with all this questions. I can't help but to wonder what my future would be like. Whether I meet someone. If my child is a boy or a girl, and wondering how they would look. Do they look like their dad or me? What kind of person my husband might be. Whether I've been making the right choice or not. Or where I will work and whether I enjoy it or not. 

So, do you enjoy your life? I, being a first timer in this so called "dorm", is happy in the current time. Although the cute boy, whose mom is the dorm keeper, seems to always bother us and asking us to play with him. I guess he is a kind of lonely, whether he realizes it or not. A child with no brother or sister usually is. Well, maybe he like the presence of someone whom he could play with. I remember the time my older cousin spend the night in my house. I keep telling her to play with me until it's like, 10 pm. I realize that she got a big dose of patience in her.

Anyway, remember to always make time for your child. Don't overwork yourself. Learn to cook like Jamie Oliver, if you remember who he is. Love everyone, and don't judge anyone. Listen to other people, and don't say the word "don't do that" unless you give the explanation why, and don't break your child's opinion, and respond to it nicely. Play dress up with your daughter, and read to your children every night. Do everything with passion. Dress up nicely, and be nice to everyone. On top of it all, always be the best version of you all the time. 

P.S Do you think that I'll be married and have a child in 28?

Day 28--Something That You Miss

I miss Kindergarten. Really. Kindergarten is probably the happiest moment of man's life. You don't have to think about anything, and you can befriended everyone. No one can judge you, and no one laugh at you when you fall. Nobody laugh at you when you cry. No blackmail, no jealousy. No one cares if you get yourself dirty or sweaty.

All you have to do when you're in kindergarten is wake up, eat your mom's breakfast, take a bath, get your hair ready by your mom, which is always done in a cute way, and go. When you arrived at school, all you have to do is sing, draw, and play. And most importantly playing, which take lots of time. And it's always good, and feeling ridiculously happy just to sit in the see-saw. That time, life is always simple. And happiness is as simple as buying ice cream in the nearby store and when you sit in the swing. Or even falling and get your knees bleed because you got into a bicycle race, life is still good.

my cousin(left) and I. When can you go to school and be this cute?

Day 27-- Your Favorite Number

Probably 7. Actually, I think all numbers are all the same. I don't like numbers. They brings devastation and desperation for everyone. They're not even that exact. Why 1 is better than 3, although not in all case? Why does 5 preceed 6? Why we have to find a definite form of x? Well I like number in one thing. Money

Day 26--What Kind of Person Attracts You

Hmmm, this is something hard to elaborate since I don't have any particular type of someone that will catch my eyes. Anyway, here's the list:

• Humorous. I like to laugh. I literally laugh at anything, but sadly this doesn't go proportionally with my jokes. So, someone who makes a great jokes earns a certain respect from me.
• Movie Junkies. Well, since I probably like to watch movie a little bit too much. And it's always nice to have something in common with anyone
• Have this certain persona. I can't elaborate this. Hormones' work
• Tall (well, if it's a man). At least taller than me, which is easy since I'm a little short.
• Cheerful, and easy to talk to. 
• Goofy? 
• Manly, if its a man. I like manly man. I don't like me being sloppier than my man. My man. It's weird to imagine me referring anyone that way
• Someone who like to go on a walk. And hang out
• Someone who doesn't hesitate to eat both street foods and restaurants
• Someone who matches my adrenaline. And fyi, I am an adrenaline junkies on theme park
• Intelligent? 
• Kind
• Have the same taste of music as me

Note, a person doesn't necessarily have all the points. 2 points are enough to make me interested. And writing this post feels weird. I feel like writing the qualification of "a man of my dream. And this goes surprisingly too well. And mind you, I'm still waiting for someone who can make me feels the butterflies in my stomach. Of course that should earn some kind of prize. I'm someone who can easily impressed and easily disinterested with anyone. Confuse? I don't understand myself either.







 

Day 25--Someone Who Fascinates You and Why

Honestly? I have a hard time answering this question. I really don't want to be a hypocrite but apparently, I am fascinated with everyone in general, and it is stretched from physical to  personal level of that someone. I mean, I am confuse. Should I answer a celebrity? An artist? A random person? A member of my family? Someone close to me? The Prophet? or God? I mean,they have their own way to fascinates me, and I can't choose. 

Really, this question would be so much easier to answer if it is titled "What aspect in a Person that Fascinate You the Most". So forgive this awfully short post of mine. Because really, I don't know to answer, to the point where I googled "Day 25 someone who fascinates you and why". Oh My God and that even sounds pathetic.

Day 24--A Problem You have Had

The title is making me feels like an old fish. Which is not exactly true when you just turned 18 a couple of months ago. Well, true if you just visited your elementary school in the last 2 months. Oh well.

If this post talks about a major life-changing problems, well, I don't have one yet. My life are like a sudden breeze of soft winds that had gone unnoticed, since I partly not fully conscious that something is a problem. Mainly because I just enjoy the whole ride. 

And unexpectedly, I have one. This happens when I was on middle school. We were on some class (which I don't intend to tell you). The seat was arranged into groups, in which usually contains 5 or 6 members in each. We were given a topic, then we had to present the issue in front of the class. The thing is, the whole class forgot that we had a homework in the next hour's lesson. And nobody did it until later. Anyway, my group did not encounter a problem and we presented the cause smoothly. Until we finished. The class started doing the homework within the present of the teacher of the present lesson, with another group presented an issue. And everything still ran smoothly, until my friend accidentally put the homework book upright. Well, we still didn't realize what the problem was until my group was called into the teacher's desk. Our hearts were thumping wildly, and the strong odor of fear was  present. We were called to the teacher's room, which was always translated major trouble. 

"Did you do Mrs. ... 's homework on my lesson?"

"Why did you do that? You are aware that this action means that you don't respect me, don't you?"

"You surprise me. You are the last person I expect to do this" 

"Just talk to her. I don't know what I should do with you"

"I feel like I should give you punishment, since what you did is not okay in any lesson, and I know that you're fully aware of that, and what do you think we should do to you so you would not do such thing again?"

"Memorize ..... and see me when you're fully memorize it. The deadline's in a week"

Fortunately, the punishment was just to memorize a surah from Qur'an, not calling our parents to school. 

I know that this is not like a major trouble, but being me,  never have gone into trouble before, that was scary. Anyway, lesson learned and I've never done that again, thanks to that event.

Day 23-- Goals for the Next 30 Days

Let's get to the point, shall we?

• Finish this 30 Days Challenge, which is already a month late.
• Finish or read these books:

                                

• And watch these movies          

• And make a poster themed "cultural issue" for campus orientation.

Bye!

Day 22--How Have You Changed in the Past 2 Years

2 Years? I guess 2 years from now on would be the start of 11th grade. Actually, there are no significant differences between me 2 years ago and now, but I think I am more open socially. More, independent. I think right now, have more confidence and bravery in 'testing the water'. 

I mean, on the 11th grade, I was in a class with 2 of my closest friends. So, the class was already on my 'inner circle', socially. But now, I got accidentally threw into the unknown but somehow, I made new friends along the way. Two of them are from the same school, and another are from different school in my city, but the thing is, those people are never considered to be in the 'inner circle' from the past me. And we got along. And I can't stop laughing when I'm with them. So I'll take it as a good sign.

Maybe the significant change from me in this past 2 years are confidence. I speak my mind a lot more than two years ago, although not to the point where I threw myself to the water. Maybe this changes is not big for some of you but, it's takes a lot from me

Me, approx 2 years ago. So chubby and childish lol 

No longer a short-haired-unconfident-coward, 

I

Day 21-- One of Your Favorite Show

I watch, well, basically, everything. Ranging from Hawaii Five O, to Hannibal, from America's Next Top Model to Beauty and the Geek, from Masterchef to Cake Boss, from Keeping Up with the Kardashian to Jerseylicious, and from Glee to Bunhead.

Although I  rarely watched everything subsequently, this particular show leave most marks in my life

                          

 

Seven seasons and still running, and I still got high watching this 

Forever Watching, 

I

Day 20--How Important You Think Your Education Is

I find education a very important aspect in our lives. Coming from a relatively middle class family, I find education is a life-changing aspect. I can say this because the parents of my grandmother was illiterate. 

They lived in a colonial era, and suffered from the Japanese colonization. In fact, My grandma's father was a slave of Japan. He had a goal that his family must never suffers as he was, so He forced his children to go to school in an era where woman's role is to be "in the kitchen". So it was pretty peculiar to see my grandma went to school. Then she got an offer to became a nurse so she moved to my town, leaving her family. Met my grandpa, married him,and gave him 7 children. Life was hard and everybody was poor. But they worked as hard as they could to give enough food and the best education they could give to their children. And then here we are. I didn't mean to brag, but I feel very fortunate. We have cars, television, some latest electronic gadgets which can never be bought if my grandmother didn't go to school during her childhood. Or if my mom and uncles and aunts didn't study as well as they were.

So education should never be underestimated. People should never underestimate the power of school no matter horrible you academic life might be. As for the people who cheat, you guys are screaming to the court to execute the corruptor, and yet you still corrupt your own life. I mean, if you don't happy with the state of our country right now, why don't we educate ourselves to be the one who make the change? It's like to make our house clean, we have to clean our room first, don't we? It doesn't fix things if we just making a sarcastic comments about how dirty our room is without actually making an action.

To be educated doesn't always mean that you have to be good at maths or physics. Education also teaches your manners, consciously and unconsciously. People would stop littering if they know what  the danger of littering might bought into the world. Education changes our logic and perspective of thinking, and teaches us of how to express ourselves in order to be heard, which doesn't always involve violence.

Like I've said before, education can change the fate of poor families. Getting a better education means getting a better job than your parents. Getting a better job improves the life qualities of your family. Nutritionally, and academically. Improving your quality of life means giving a better life for your children. Then your children would do the same thing as you did to their children. See? It's an endless chain which connects one aspects to the others. 

So why do we, all next generation, still too lazy to study and cheat in tests while we know how important education is and loathe the act of corruption? If we don't start make a change of ourselves now, who will? 

   

Day 19-- A Letter to Someone You Want to Tell Everything About But been Too Afraid To.

Hi

I know that a white lies is worse that a bitter truth. But what if the truth are so painful? Like a kid, who got a bad score when their parents have been expecting so much of him? The thing is, we keep some things to ourselves we don't want others to know about. Like cheating in an exam. I'm sure the parents never know whether their child filling up the answer sheet with honesty or not. Parent just want to know the result. The process they see is just the night before. They don't even know if their child study their asses off or just playing and opening some random topics.

So I sincerely want to tell you he truth, but I am afraid. I am afraid of the stereotype of who I might be on the society. I am afraid of what people might say. I am afraid what you might think of me. It's not that I don't trust you, God. But the thing is, I've never tell anyone about it. I've never speak about it, I've never even think about it with anyone. So, I'll let you to know that If I ever decided to tell someone, I would tell you first.








Not sure how to feel,





I

Weird

I edited my last 18 posts in the label 30dayschallenge, and I just literally changed the alignment of all my posts. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my day 2 and day 3 posts are the suddenly the latests, making the impression that I wrote the posts unsystematically. Which was annoying.


Anyway, Sorry for the inconvenience.




Just being a perfectionists,






I

Day 18-- Your Beliefs

What is beliefs? Is it something you hold on to in every shot of breath that you take? Is it something that you personally believe in your heart but it is so private that you don't want others to know? Is it something that you repeatedly asked to yourself in everything that you will do next? Or is it something so private that only you and God's business? I mean, belief is a large field of aspects.

Religiously, I believe that there is indeed God. I'm a strong believer in monotheism, so I don't believe there is the Son of God whatsoever. Science, and every creature among us was an instrument of your faith. I see God's almighty power was spread between the creatures God had been creating since the day of the presence of life on earth. And I believe that everything happens for e reason. Even the death of a tiny ant that humans don't care about happens for a reason. Some things, happens beyond our small, pitiful minds and still happens for a purpose. I believe God's plan are reflected to the things individuals had been done, but God give it "with a little twist" so I believe that if you want to have a fabulous future, do good things in every single millisecond of your life. And I believe that the so-called "twist" is always in our range of power, even if it felt hard in times.

I believe in the power of human minds. I'm pretty sure that the mind have a stronger willpower than the body. Minds have such an infinite unexplored power. But sadly, people like to generalized people's mind state and frankly, no minds have the same aspects of power. Like Einstein and Edison. I believe that people shall not afraid of power, but fear the mind itself. Mind have the power to change. It ignites fire and unexpected power. And its power are limitless, unlike muscle,which depends on how many glucose breaks down from its chain in a single metabolism process. Even in such great despair. People dies or continue their live depends in what state of minds they're in.

I believe that every people are beautiful. It's a shame that everyone would choose to undergo a plastic surgery, which is not a guarantee that people would leave up to the society's expectation. As you can say, I don't fond of plastic surgery myself. I mean, why would a person think that they should slice or cut some parts of their face just to look like everyone else? I mean, you are your own mix of you parents gene pool. Why try to fix the gene pool when you're the perfect mixture? Beauty are unfortunately always subjective. Tan people are not beautiful in some culture. In my culture, people with fair complexion are considered beautiful. In Africa, skinny women are not preferable and yet here we tried so hard to lose weight to catch up with the society's standard.

What else? I don't believe in love at the first sight. Hell, I even have not fallen in love myself. I mean, I think the millisecond two eyes met, you judge a person by their look, not how their actual personality. Okay, maybe they have cool hair and beautiful eyes and blablabla but I think what you experienced are lust. Not the kind of oh-my-god-have-sex-with-me lust. But like, the lust of  possession. To possess something beautiful, or the mere illusion of beautiful. I don't know.As I say, I've never fall in love. I don't know how it would feel.

Hm, I think that's all I remember of everything that I believed in.

Bye!

I  

Day 17-- Your Highs and Lows This Past Year

I can't recall my high and lows these past years. Everything happens in a flash of lightning and I was flabbergasted, not being able to catch up, process and absorb anything.

My highest these past year would probably got accepted in a Law School. Which caught me off guard as well, since I feel like I am under a social pressure in order to pursue my passion in art. They tell you not to get scared to pursue your passion but there are a lot of things relates to your future job beside having a passion in one field. You have to consider your job prospect, and success probability, which always subjective, and of course I got scared. There are too much risk. But I realize choosing to study Law is a great risk too.

Then, graduation, which is ironically one of my lows this past year. Happy, because I graduated with a relatively good score, which I still think that I could get higher marks, but hey, no more physics in my whole life? That is definitely something worth to celebrate. Lows, because in the graduation, was probably the least presentable version of me. And I'm not ready. I'm not ready to leave this state of myself, to leave the circle I've been unconsciously built inside of me. And I'm not ready to jump to a whole different world that I'm not used to. But I guess life doesn't work that way.

Friends, is both in my high and lows too. These past year, I've never thought that I would be that way. Thankfully, you guys gave me the taste of high school life. Well, anyone won't hang out in the midst of the craziness of senior year. But you, my partners in crime. We chatted when everyone did their task since we felt "too lazy to do it". I remember our "We've fed up of this kind of life" speech. But sadly we have to go in separate ways. I'll wish you guys all the best in your own paths.

Probably that was my highlight of these past year. Not much, since my past year was socially uneventful but is was academically roller-coaster ride.

bye!

Day 16-- A Letter to a Stranger

Hello,

This is awkward. I don't know anything about you, and you don't know anything about me. Which is good. And bad. I can be anything that I'd like to be in this letter. I can be a sweet innocent girl to a sly cunning prostitute who would steal and murder their 'customers'. And the best thing is, you'd never know the truth. But I think that pretending to be someone that I'm not is mentally exhausting and it hurts my brain. So I think I'll stick to the truth.

I'm actually not very good at the people that I hardly know. I think that I'm not easily open myself up to new people. Maybe this is genetic. Maybe I was born that way. Honestly, my mom told me that I even got scared and cried just because my mom put me in new clothes.

Anyway, I am Indira. No, I'm not Indian, since a lot of Indian people asked me that before they looked into my photos. But yes, my parents seems to get the inspiration from Mrs.Ghandi, which symbolizes a  successful woman (my mom's word). And If you looked into my photos,  might look Japanese, but I'm not Japanese either. But yes, my country fell into the Japan's hand in 1942. My Mom and Dad are locals. And I have no Chinese blood whatsoever. Well, maybe since my Dad was a mixed blood between two locals from a different area. One of them are from a place where people there at least have Chinese ancestors. That's why I got this look. Which was good, when I was little. I was so cute, you know. Round cheeks, small nose with a resemblance of freckles, round, but relatively small blackish brown eyes, long lashes, fair complexion in contrast of my jet-black hair. But now? I don't know since no one have ever call me beautiful except my own family, and it doesn't count.

I know literally nothing about you. What you like, What do you do in your spare time, Whether you're old or not, If you're single or in a relationship, or whether you like books or movies, and what kind of music that you listen. So, I might want to explain myself that can fit in any people, like the state that I'm in, or the thoughts that came into my head before I fell asleep.

Unlike any teenage high school movies, I don't hate people. Yes, maybe I can't befriended some kind of people but I understand that we don't have anything in common. Maybe they do something that I don't like but it's their life. Their choice. They did it in a full consciousness. Maybe there was some story behind their actions, so I think it's not very healthy to judge in people in any circumstances. And unlike any high school movies, I didn't have any crush(es) at anyone ever, I didn't go to a crazy party and get drunk, and I didn't have my first kiss stolen by anyone. I'm no bully and I'm not a person who you considered to be 'invincible'. But I'm not everyone's friend either, which is probably my fault. But I have friends, alright and thankfully my high school life didn't suck like those movies.

Me, like any other teenager, like to listen to music, which my friend said to be too 'prehistorical', watch movies-not chicklits, although it's like a girls' curse to like sappy romance, and may I remind you, I am a girl, and read books. My love and social life mainly consists of three of them, which explains why I'd never fall from actual people. Only a characters of books I've only known by their actions and thoughts the writer beautifully describe, which caused me questioning my normality. But this last 10 days I'm proved to be normal, thank you.

I don't know what is your main interests in the process of knowing people. And I know that I sound like a mere teenager, which is mainly true. I am in a matter of fact is a teenager who still in the process of searching her true self. So why don't you tell me a little of yourself?

Day 15-- How You Hope Your Future will be Like

Future is a hard word. I don't want to expect something so much, since I fear of my own disappointment of myself. Maybe that's why I rarely take any dangerous chances in my life and by far, this is my first time taking a very highly unlikely chance of myself.

So I just want me not being a disappointment of myself. I want to prove that I can do this to everyone who thought that I can just only draw, that this is not me, that I am not belong to this kind of world. I want to prove that I am not a stereotype that people can easily give labels and judgement.I want to make myself sure that I can do good in this field of work,that my skills are good enough, that I am good enough, that I can give my best of me in this field.

Shortly, I just want to be happy of my life. I still want to do good of my life. I want me and my loved ones to be healthy and free of dangerous sickness. I want us to live in peace and still can see elephant and orangutans, giraffe and zebras. I want to have a family of my own with a person who loved me back. I want my children to be healthy,happy and enable to breath oxygen and consume clean water.

I may sound naive and being a hypocrite and all but I really want the next generation have the chance to feel the morning mist. A breath of clean, cold air and the feeling of walking through thousands and thousands of dragonfly. I want my children play outside, not just with electronic gadgets. I want my children have the space to run and friends to play with outside of the house. Basically, I want my children enjoy their childhood as much as I was.

And when I am a lot older, I don't want to be drowned in regrets of the chances that I should take. I don't want my mind thinking about what ifs and should'ves. I want to be proud of my choice that I've take, a friends that I made, and schools that I'd been. I want to live peacefully and being a granny who treats her grandchild well and cook their favorite meals. I want the fashionably fabulous granny who had a magnificent collection of clothes,which doesn't have to be expensive. I want to have close friends until I am old, and  be able to maintain a good relationship with my family.

Basically, I want to love and be loved, never to die alone, live my life to the fullest without having any regrets of my own decisions.

Athelophobic,

I

Random

Setelah sekian lama gue ga buka ini blog, gue baru sadar kalo dulu gue sok asik banget nulisnya. Berasa anak paling gaul 2010-2011. Sok banyak followers. Sok banyak tanggapan. Berasa apa yag ditulis paling menarik sendiri, padahal mah ampas. Alay.


 Ternyata penyesalan memang datang terakhir, bung.

Day 14--Your Earliest Memory

I couldn't remember which one of them comes first, so here they go.......

I remember that there was a big vintage television. I was watching, getting mesmerized by technicolor motion pictures that I probably saw in a lot of vintage Disney cartoons. It was a 'Magic English' disk that I had watch probably thousand and thousand of times, which Id never probably get tired of. The screen captured a moment where a small ducklings cried alone in the night, near a small pond, because nobody wanted him, since he was ugly. It was The Ugly Ducklings.

 I remember the time when I wanted to fall asleep, I used to ask my mom to read me books. This time, it was about Lorina, who got a toothache. Lorina was a bear, and she liked to eat sweets. Lots of sweets. This time, she ate too much until one day, she got a toothache. She was so scared to go to the dentist, she didn't even want to go. She had pulled so much effort to make her tooth got better but all attempt were all end in vain. So, accompanied by her grandma, she finally went to the dentist. Her tooth's condition was so bad the doctor needed to pull it out. Then, she got an anaesthetic and she fell asleep. She dreamed of going into a carnival where she could ride a carousel with her friends. And they were all happy. Then she woke up, and suddenly her tooth didn't hurt at all. She was happy, and she was never ever getting scared to go to the dentist.

I remember wanting to go out of the room because of getting asked questions by an old lady that I'd never seen before. The room was brown,and there was a lot of pictures on the wall. She said that it was pictures of her children and their kids. I was with my mother. I remember getting so excited to tell my grandpa that I was going to school in a couple of days. I couldn't wait to meet him in the parking lot where he waited for us. I was practically running as fast as I could I did not see a small stones in the road. Suddenly I was on the ground. I hadn't begun to process what was happening to me, but I could feel hot on both of my knees. I looked at my bleeding knees, which was in the same timing where the hurt comes. I ran back to my mom, instead ran to my grandpa.

Day 13-- Somewhere You'd Like to Visit

Change

I've been living in this relatively big room, but still small though compared to my room, for almost 6 days, away from my family. There is so much to whine at, so much that I want to change, but then  I realize that it's not the room. It's me. This is still by far my biggest step. There are a lot of details that I have to go through when I want to simply eat at he nearest diner that I could found, when I walked to campus in the morning, or simply when I wanted to walk to but some things that I needed in the convenience store. There are doors to be locked, windows to be closed, bed to be tidy-ed up, dirty clothes that had to be taken care of, and so on. It was like I stepped in into in a whole different area. There are too much things to be taken care of and here I am,got used to be taken care of. I went home on weekends, caused by mental and physical exhaustion. But when I got back,I did all those things like I've did it thousands of time, like this is what I'm always doing.

But then campus life was another world of itself. Too much people, too big environment. The good thing is, it is not that hot, because there are trees in the pavements, making pedestrians comfortable when they decided to walk. People around me in in a whole different level. High School's diversity was like a small swamp, while the campus was like a big ocean. Ambitious, lazy, attentive, domineering, even funny comes in a wide range of diversity. Being adaptive and dynamic was like your social soul's starvation, since even making friends are a competition, where when you're late, it's hard to catch up. The ability to speak is needed, since almost everyone have the ability to speak up.

Then the thought came into my head. Is it really hard to adapt? Is it always been that hard or I have simply gone softer over these past years? Does everyone feel the same as I am, or am I simply not good enough? Does facing this for two days making your brain hurts?

To adapt, makes you mentally and physically drained, even me, a person who had experience it so many times still feels it - Mom, who nearly always sent abroad every nearly every 3 years for a 4-years-duty.

I guess I am normal, then

   

Day 12-- Bullet Your Whole Day

I think the 'bullet' part means that I have to write it in a form of lists? So here they go...

• Heard the sound of my alarm at 5.45 in the morning, but then I slept until 6, then I took a bath
• Walked to college orientation at 7 a.m
• at 7.30 the class started, then watched presentation in a form of slideshow until 10 a.m
• At 10, we took a break, I bought a cheese and chocolate sandwich with chocolate milkshake, Then I went to class 5 minutes late, and arrived at the class at 10.20
• Then I watched the presentation again until approximately 10.45?? Then we (my group and I) was in a treasure hunt against another team from the same class in the main library, which was so much fun.We played until 11.30 and went to class. Again
• Then I waited the arrival of another team in class, and at 12 a.m we had lunch break. I ate Yoshinoya's Yakiniku bowl while loudly chatted with 2 of my friends about the boys they had their eyes on.
• Then we went back to class at 1 o'clock and we had to present our effort to find the treasure in class. Fyi, I was on the first group so we presented without knowing anything to say, literally
• The class ended at 2.15, which was really early. So I waited my friend, who got another class in a different faculty, and chatted with another friend of mine who got class in the same place as I was.
• I went to the main library to meet my friend, and hung out there until 4 o'clock
• Then we went to some small, open canteen to had dinner. And the sky was already dark at that time. 
• Suddenly, around 5, it rained. It got harder and harder to the point we had to open our umbrella under the tent that protects the open canteen. People stared but we don't care since we felt so cold
• At 6, the rain fades out a little, then we wen to the mosque. We went home at approximately 6.30 and I arrived at the room that I rent for 10 days at 7 p.m
• Then I took a bath at 8 since another person was using the bathroom when I arrived. I finished at around 8.30-ish and ate an orange. Then my friend borrowed my fan,and then I opened my laptop and write  this challenge. 

So that's my whole day. Chao!

Day 11-- A Letter to Someone You've Judged from the First Impression

Hey

I have no means to judge. I am simply scared of you. I am scared of what you might think. I am scared of what you'd say. Silly, since you're not a green eyed monster that sleeps under my bed. Yes, you  joke around, Yes, you're easy when you're with them, but no matter how I tried, I can't reach you. I have to reach  you since we're on the same road. I can relate to someone that I knew from the social media better than you, which was weird. I usually relate better in person to people.  But somehow, You're my special case.  I don't know, but since that day, You change my views in you. I didn't remember what you did or say, but I couldn't act normally. I couldn't act freely or normally around you. When you're around, I feel like meeting my parents after I've done something unforgivable. Intimidated, my brain shrunk into the size of pea and my mouth refuse to form any coherent words. So, I just do something that I best. Walking away, instead facing the real problem.

I know that you have a good heart, together with a sharp tongue. I admire it, since I need both of them and I feel like I have only one of them max, which I'm not going to tell you which one, since I'm obvious. To have just a pinch of what I lacked of, is what I dreamed to be. Some say that my confidence issues are on the way, but I think I was raised in a different way than you are. I care too much of what other people might think of my action. But you're so sure of what you think is right. I'm not jealous of you, but I respected you so much I'm scared. It sounds silly, but it is the truth.

But to see that everyone was like you, I think that it  is God's plan to make me make a peace to someone like you. I met one of them, and I realize that there's still a lot of people worse than you, in a good way. Honestly, I can't find any flaws in you since everyone loves you and respects you. But to put it that way, means that I don't know you that much, which is true. But that have to change sooner or later, isn't it?

I mean, 4 year is a long time, and I still hope that I can make a good friend with you, if not a friend. I know that we sometimes have to be put in an unfamiliar circumstances in order to grow. I'm not comfortable around people like you. So I hope that I can be more than I am right now, If God helps me.

From someone who shares your name

Day 10- Put Your iPod in Shuffle and Write Down the 10 Songs That Pop Up

1. Set the Fire to the Rain - Adele
2. Bicycle Race - Queen
3. Beautiful Goodbye - Maroon 5
4. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
5. Towers - Bon Iver
6. Another Bite of Dust - Queen
7. Wipe Your Eyes - Maroon 5
8. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver
9. What Do You Want from Me - Pink Floyd
10. Nobody Home - Pink Floyd

My playlist seems like I'm a hipster. And I'm not a fan of mainstream pop songs. But really. My phone seems to like pop songs considering there are 8 Pink Floyd albums in my phone, Led Zeppelin, Of Monsters and Men, and Queen and that was 10 songs it picked. 

Don't judge a person by 10 songs that popped up in a shuffle mode.

Day 9-- A Letter to Someone You Know Who is Going Through a Hard Time

Hey You, wherever you are

Our life, is a game they say.

It is so fun that we forgot all of our problems like a mirage in the desert to a thirsty man.

It comes in a form of beauty, as simple as a flower petal and as complex as a galaxy full of stars.

It is full of takes and turns and ups and downs, making us scared in a thousand of different ways and making us cautious in selecting our very next big step.

It is so harsh, it can change our story as easy as flipping our hands.

But there is still God,

Who is always sure of us.

Who always gives us our best.

Who would always gives us something out of our comfort zones, knowing that we would not be better inside it.

Who would always throws something He knew we capable to take.

Who, despite there are probably more than 7 billion people, He doesn't make two exactly same story.

Who gives us something beautiful, as simple as dust and dandelions into as far as nebulas and galaxies and stars.

But most importantly, Whose plan is so unexpected It caught off our guards and leaves us hopeless but then suddenly God gives us something beautiful underneath all those clouds..

So Hey You,

Whatever phase You're in, remember there are beautiful things in life. Keep in your mind that you're not alone. And it is so much better to let it all out of your system. Eat chocolates, Watch chick-flicks and romantic movies, play games, make a fool of yourself, take pictures, read good books, have pets, eat a bucket of ice cream, ride your bike in the morning then enjoy the feeling of clean air and the warmth of the sun against your skin, ride coasters, cry and scream like a madmen, punch your pillows as though you give your vengeance to your enemies, basically do everything to make you feel lighter. Don't let all your problems hurt you physically, since you still got a long road ahead of you.

God will gives you something good in the end and eventually, good things will come. just keep that in mind.

   

Day 8--A Moment You Felt Satisfied with Your Life

Let's stop being naive. Satisfaction doesn't always come when you make your loved ones proud. I mean, it is satisfying but it's not the only source of satisfaction. 

For me, satisfaction is as simple as reading a good book until I feel some sort of emotional connection, pissed off because of a character, or anxiety when something is happening on the story. It often comes in a form of dazing out when I was listening to some song and focusing on parts that fascinates me the most. Or when the wind blew upon my face, breathing the fresh air, and feeling the warmth of the sun upon my skin as I ride my bike. 

But that was the outer layer of satisfaction. Or an artificially temporary satisfaction. Of course I can't deny the moments of achieving something of my own hard work. That intoxifying moment of bliss when you felt everything that you've been working at paid off was like the time that you realize how good life actually is and is always going to be good--which isn't always worked that way--but you feel like  you're ready to take anything life would throw. 

But satisfaction is an illusion. People can never satisfied. I can never satisfied since it's in my nature to find flaws within myself. But I guess this is human nature. So there's that. 

Bye!

Day 7--A Letter to Someone Who Had Passed

Hey You.

You might remember the only baby who you'd gave bottles of milk?

Many things happen since 7 years ago, which is no surprise. I believe that you're still watching, or so I'd like to imagine. You're the irreplacable replacement, but that is not entirely true. I don't think that you're replacing anyone, or being a replacement of anyone. You're still my number one on that role on my list.

In case you don't know, you're still haunting my thoughts. Whatever I do, I still think about what you might think. People think that I have forgot you but you're not that forgettable after all things you've done to me. To tell you the truth, I don't like the vulnerability I'd show since I don't like to crumble in front of people. But I guess you know better. 

I remember that you act in silence, which always radiates unconditional love and compassion. But of course they know better. I know now. 

I remember the sun rays as I sat with you in the guestroom, with you, crossed you legs as you read the morning paper. I remember the day you teached me to cycle, and the unreasonable laugh we shared the time we encountered uneven roads. I remember the time you accompanied my to my first days. I remember how you smelled on Fridays. I remember you've always ordered the same drink as me. I remember the conflicted feeling as I saw you come to get me when It rained heavily but I was still having fun with my friends. 

Thank You. For all the things you did. For whatever role that you think you're playing, which is always more than that to me. For your love and your presence which I'll forever treasure. 

Forever in debt,

I

Day 6 --A Picture of Yourself a Year Ago and How You've Changed SinceThen

Me, more than a year ago (on Apr 2012)

Me, a couple of weeks ago (May 2013)

How much have I change? I guess not much. I'm still very much the same girl who like books very much, who is still hesitant in speaking her own thoughts, who like to travel, and watch movies, who still have fears of roaches and letting people down. 

I can't really describe the change I have in myself since the past year moves faster than the speed of light. So many things happen both inside and around me I cannot grasp to proceed in what exactly happen and absorb it all instead. 

I can't see the change within me. And I think if I change, I'll let you know that I'm still the same old me inside. 

Bye!

Day 5--A Time When You Think About Ending Your Life

No. I've never in that some sort of time. I hope that I never will.

I think life is the greatest gift from God which we can't toss it and play it anytime we want. I believe that God itself who has the right to give life and to take away the life of His creatures. 

I'm young. I know perfectly well and perfectly aware in my steps that I'm in a phase where my raging hormones affect my desicion. I am perfectly understand that teenagers tend to make small problems bigger than they seem, but to make such a harsh decision to end my life and miss all possibilities in the world? 

They say we ought to make some mistakes since experience is the best teacher, but ending your life is something that you can't heal from. We know that we can fix it when we hurt someone's feeling, or rob a bank, or do drugs, but suicide?

We're young, we still have a long road ahead of us. There are still so much to explore, so much to learn, and there are so much beautiful things that we can get from life itself, from the world, and from people around us. There are still lots of secrets waiting to be unraveled and unexplored paths. 

Just don't lose the will of living. We lose a lot more than we can get from ending our own life. Remember--there's always people in worst condition. It's a choice whether you look from the bright or the dark side of it. 

Bye! 

Day 4- Your Views on Religion

Born from a fairly religious family, religion has been pretty much playing a major part in my life. And living a life in a country where practising religion and being religious is a demand from the society itself-- which makes me a fairly religious person.

Religion, I think, have a tight bond with us humans ever since the megalithic era. So I think metaphysically, everyone believe in God. Does atheists believe in God? I don't know. When they can see their death coming, do they still try to search for God? When fears come to their hearts, what do they have in their minds, since I believe fear, sometimes can be irrational? 

I mean, I agree that not all religious things can be explained logically. It is relatively hard for people to believe in bibles, or any kind of holy books, since they don't live in the time when the books are given to the prophets, so it is hard to understand. But we can't deny that somewhere in our heart, we have faith. For me, I need something to hold on to when I am afraid, when I am happy, or sad, or simply help me sleep at some insomnial nights. 

Religion, for me, is a kind of theraphy. It gives me a relaxing, soothing feelings when I am stressed, gives me strength when I am afraid, give me a cold head in the middle of anger, give me a feeling of letting go comes in much more easier to come, and making me believe that there are always sunshine and rainbow after the heavy storm which my religion guarantees. All in all, religion gives my restless soul an inner peace. 

Religion gives us both restriction and freedom. Truthfully, there are no restriction which have no logical reasoning behind the restriction itself, which people easily misjudge. People misinteprated the meaning behind the restriction, without knowing the real motive. This may caused by the contradictive beliefs between the religions itself which lead to the point where one religion feels superior. This superiority affect the society to be more sceptical and discriminative to the minority in the multi-religion society. 

Religion is often abused by the people with the higher power to give profits to certain group. It is commonly related to corruption. Not only that, the government can release abusive regulations to the certain minor religious group, because of the superiority and dominance that they felt. Not only abused by powerful people, religion are commonly being connected by some people to give vengeance to another people. People kill each other in the name of religion which of course will make a bad impression on other people who have different belief, which basically know nothing about the mistranslated act itself. 

Well, I think that's all in my mind when I think about religion. I understand that this matter is private in some culture, but I'm curious. What do you think? What do you atheists think? 

Bye!

p.s This is probably the heaviest thing I've ever written in my blog.