Turns

I know that this is something that you have been obsessed since like, forever. And I know you guys had plotted which way you would take to guide you to your goal.

But the truth is, I never meant something like this would happen. I didn't even feel qualified to get this. I chose this because, well I don't know, the dream of the moment. I might had been drunk(not literally) when I chose this.

I would have lied if I never hoped to get this. But I didn't even dare to dream to get it. I know who you guys are, for God's sake, who doesn't? And then here I am, suddenly out of nowhere, interfering.

I was not a threat then, just a random girl, choosing this, causing everyone to think that I'm wasting my talent. But when something that you wanted, something that your parents expected you to do, and something that you like to do do not cross path, what else can I do?

But then it happened. I was happy with this, for I am selfish. But then reality crashed and I thought about your place. My probability was smaller than you guys, and this one is peculiar. 

And then I knew that we ended up in the same place, just with different ways. I think maybe this was meant to be, but I am aware of your feelings and I feel...uneasy. It doesn't feel right. I was not closely acquainted with all you guys so I don't know what you might think about all this, what you might feel about this, so I don't know how to act in front of you guys. I choose to stay in silence but It's making me more and more confused.

So If you've ever read this(probably not, though) I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, or if you think that I am on your way, or I.. I don't know. I know that it's not my place to say sorry, because I think that I did no wrong. I don't understand the selection's mechanism. I'm sure that by score, I mean, we're on different major and I was the one who cross the path. By portfolio, I'm sure that yours are better. As far as I know, I didn't have any relative to help me to get in. This is purely decide by God, and the selection team. 

People said to me to have no worries, but I can't shake the uneasiness of the probability of hurting your feelings. So, I'm sorry for that. 

A 30 days challenge?

You know what? A 30 day challenge is interesting. I might as well as doing it. Uhmm maybe someday?

Agak sedih sih, tapi mau gimana lagi?

Nggak kok, nggak ngeluh dan nganggep diri sendiri sebagai 'korban' atau semacamnya tapi ya.. Gimana ya? Bingung.

Takut pas sampai ke waktunya dan gue malah ga tau apa dan siapa-siapa. Dan pasti disana gue dicap sebagai 'pemain' buruk kan? Toh di lingkaran ini juga gue bukan pemain yang sebagus itu. Dan ditambah gue, mungkin me-label diri sendiri (atau emang kenyataan?) sebagai orang yang ga terlalu bisa masuk ke 'lingkaran luar' gue. Gara-gara itu, ya gue tau dong, it's a hard thing to do to get into their circle.

Ini toh bukan salah mereka. Tapi gue juga disini ngambil 'peran'. Peran utama malah. Kalo di Harry Potter, gue ya, si Snape. Penting? Nggak kok. Hanya menjadi kunci. Dan memang mungkin di hidup dia ada kunci-kunci yang lain yang gue ga pernah tau sama sekali, entah karena gue emang terlalu cuek dan ga pengen pernah tau karena gue pikir itu akan jadi beban(sebenernya ini lebay), atau gue pengen tau tapi ga ada yang ngasih tau, atau mungkin gue sendiri yang terlalu malu untuk nanya.

Toh wanting something that we can't have is au naturale for us humans, kan? But sometimes, we don't remember what we have. Soalnya sesuatu yang kita punya ya, kita udah tau, rasanya apa luar-dalam mengalami, apapun atau dengan siapapun. Bosen kan? Banget. Ngga kok gue ngga bosen. Toh mereka selalu ada tetek-bengek ini-itu. Tapi ya, kalau 'itu' hadir atau ada walaupun sekelebat, mungkin gue akan mengalami apa yang semua orang rasakan. It is too late but its better than never, kan? Tapi, apakah saya atau anda yang harus memulai?

Accusations and more Accusations

First of all, i want to give my deepest condolences to the victims of Boston bombings. I mean, to whoever had done this, that was a cowardly, despicable action you did there you know.

We are all Earthlings after all so i think we are all kind of.. Brothers and sisters, don't you think? So killing each other is the same as murdering our own family member, am I right?

Second, as a moslem, I'd gotta say that I'm shaken. Why? Because of all these accusations. No, I'm not a Directioners but I'm aware of these accusations. Well, I know the oh-so-famous Zayn Malik was accused too just because he got an Arabic blood. I don't even know he is a moslem or not. I mean, just because he tweeted alhamdulillahs and bismillahirahmanirrahim doesn't mean that he's a moslem, right? Everyone can do that.

Back to the topic, why moslems are always the one to blame just because some fanatics drop bombs in American territory in the holy name of jihad? I even doubt whether those freaks even know what truly jihad means. Don't they even read the ayah that said to not to attack before the enemy attack first? And what did those people said? American brainwashed them? America didn't attacked them physically. Why don't they held on tighter to their faith? They attacked mentally, so we should put more strength to our mental state and faith so the so-called bad influences don't bring any harm to us, right?

I mean, what makes me upset is, I just read a few seconds ago an article about the bombings and it is mentioned that one of the victims are an arabic student. I mean he is injured, and of course i'm sure that he's mentally shaken. But why of all hundreds of victim that is put in the same hospital as he is, he is the one who is being accused? I mean, just because he's arabic for god's sake. Can you imagine how would you feel if you're accused just because you're caucasian and your dorm are being searched by the intels and just the second you're out of the hospital, you're deported to your country, just because you're being caucasian?! Come on people!

Here, I am not a sensitive moslem freaks who always angry about the smallest things. But I think that has come too far, to the point where people starts comparing one bombing to another. I mean, why comparing such a bad thing? People hurt and scarred on the same scale that can't be compared because the amount of sadness they felt are the same. Well, I think people don't say "I think i prefer to lost 2 of my grandparents rather 2 of my siblings" right?

But I understand your accusation. Not many people know islam except the moslems. And the fact is moslem did the bombings. But why judge? I understand that moslem countries are not so well-developed as non moslem countries and I know that people wearing hijab on their faces are judged by losing their freedom of expression. But do you know that avicenna, the father of medical science are moslem? Do you know that piano was first found by a moslem lad, and named al-qanun? Do you know why moslems are being told to wear hijab?

I know that many people are hurt by a foolish despicable act commited by those fools but why judge us? I mean, don't judge us on things that you don't even know. I mean, I am a moslem and I hate wars and bombs and I love living in peace. I love pop culture. I appreciate art, since I like making my own art. I listen to pop music and I love fashion. I love books and I can honestly say I am a movie addict(I even held my tears while I watch Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close). I watched Grammys and Oscars and even Keeping Up with the Kardashians. My mother even subscribes Hello! Magz on her Zinio account. I still want to go to America, Europe, Middle East, basically everywhere. I want to see the twin tower magestically stand on NYC. I want to celebrate New Year's eve on Times Square and I want to watch live concert(any concert in general, Pink Floyd especially). I love Lady Gaga's songs despite the rumours had said(one can't deny she's a very good actress!).

So, why judge? just because foolish acts by some people, why all of us are the one to blame? Well if anything, would you still judge us if 9/11 weren't happened?

Last Days of High School

Apologies are being said and accepted, forgiveness and prayings are being done.

Wishful thinking and worries.

Tear-soaked eyes.

Hope and blessings are whispered.

Hand shakings. Hugs being exchanged.

900-is people gathered in the same gate where we all started. 3 years of memories were flooding back.

Our minds were flashing back into both small, unimportant, sweet distant fragments of memory and one that is too big and precious to be missed and forgotten.

Pictures are taken.

Laughter and giggles.

Old-time jokes are being throwed.

Realization and fragility were brought up.

And in this very moment, when we united as one, where no one even dare to ruin with sudden loud curses, or a bad sound system. When there are no fights and competition.

When everyone hangs and holds their dreams at heart.

And when goodbyes and farewells are right in front of our eyes and we realize that we never want to leave this school.

And in this very exact moment..

I miss the feeling of completion. Like when your brain said that it understands it all. Like all things that you've been studying hardly is enough. Like after you've absorbed everything, you are completed, and you're ready of whatever question you'll have to answer, since you got it all in your head. Then you understand how little your knowledge is, and you feel like you're starve to absorb more and more. I miss the feeling of sureness of my own capability, and never regret a second of time wasted of studying that hard without a single question that comes out from the material that I try to study the most, even if your eyes are black since you spent the whole night to study.

On top of it all, I miss facing a test this big with readiness, on this particular time.

....and here We are, trying hard to fascinate others with everything that's on us.