Day 15-- How You Hope Your Future will be Like

Future is a hard word. I don't want to expect something so much, since I fear of my own disappointment of myself. Maybe that's why I rarely take any dangerous chances in my life and by far, this is my first time taking a very highly unlikely chance of myself.

So I just want me not being a disappointment of myself. I want to prove that I can do this to everyone who thought that I can just only draw, that this is not me, that I am not belong to this kind of world. I want to prove that I am not a stereotype that people can easily give labels and judgement.I want to make myself sure that I can do good in this field of work,that my skills are good enough, that I am good enough, that I can give my best of me in this field.

Shortly, I just want to be happy of my life. I still want to do good of my life. I want me and my loved ones to be healthy and free of dangerous sickness. I want us to live in peace and still can see elephant and orangutans, giraffe and zebras. I want to have a family of my own with a person who loved me back. I want my children to be healthy,happy and enable to breath oxygen and consume clean water.

I may sound naive and being a hypocrite and all but I really want the next generation have the chance to feel the morning mist. A breath of clean, cold air and the feeling of walking through thousands and thousands of dragonfly. I want my children play outside, not just with electronic gadgets. I want my children have the space to run and friends to play with outside of the house. Basically, I want my children enjoy their childhood as much as I was.

And when I am a lot older, I don't want to be drowned in regrets of the chances that I should take. I don't want my mind thinking about what ifs and should'ves. I want to be proud of my choice that I've take, a friends that I made, and schools that I'd been. I want to live peacefully and being a granny who treats her grandchild well and cook their favorite meals. I want the fashionably fabulous granny who had a magnificent collection of clothes,which doesn't have to be expensive. I want to have close friends until I am old, and  be able to maintain a good relationship with my family.

Basically, I want to love and be loved, never to die alone, live my life to the fullest without having any regrets of my own decisions.

Athelophobic,

I

Random

Setelah sekian lama gue ga buka ini blog, gue baru sadar kalo dulu gue sok asik banget nulisnya. Berasa anak paling gaul 2010-2011. Sok banyak followers. Sok banyak tanggapan. Berasa apa yag ditulis paling menarik sendiri, padahal mah ampas. Alay.


 Ternyata penyesalan memang datang terakhir, bung.

Day 14--Your Earliest Memory

I couldn't remember which one of them comes first, so here they go.......

I remember that there was a big vintage television. I was watching, getting mesmerized by technicolor motion pictures that I probably saw in a lot of vintage Disney cartoons. It was a 'Magic English' disk that I had watch probably thousand and thousand of times, which Id never probably get tired of. The screen captured a moment where a small ducklings cried alone in the night, near a small pond, because nobody wanted him, since he was ugly. It was The Ugly Ducklings.

 I remember the time when I wanted to fall asleep, I used to ask my mom to read me books. This time, it was about Lorina, who got a toothache. Lorina was a bear, and she liked to eat sweets. Lots of sweets. This time, she ate too much until one day, she got a toothache. She was so scared to go to the dentist, she didn't even want to go. She had pulled so much effort to make her tooth got better but all attempt were all end in vain. So, accompanied by her grandma, she finally went to the dentist. Her tooth's condition was so bad the doctor needed to pull it out. Then, she got an anaesthetic and she fell asleep. She dreamed of going into a carnival where she could ride a carousel with her friends. And they were all happy. Then she woke up, and suddenly her tooth didn't hurt at all. She was happy, and she was never ever getting scared to go to the dentist.

I remember wanting to go out of the room because of getting asked questions by an old lady that I'd never seen before. The room was brown,and there was a lot of pictures on the wall. She said that it was pictures of her children and their kids. I was with my mother. I remember getting so excited to tell my grandpa that I was going to school in a couple of days. I couldn't wait to meet him in the parking lot where he waited for us. I was practically running as fast as I could I did not see a small stones in the road. Suddenly I was on the ground. I hadn't begun to process what was happening to me, but I could feel hot on both of my knees. I looked at my bleeding knees, which was in the same timing where the hurt comes. I ran back to my mom, instead ran to my grandpa.

Day 13-- Somewhere You'd Like to Visit

Change

I've been living in this relatively big room, but still small though compared to my room, for almost 6 days, away from my family. There is so much to whine at, so much that I want to change, but then  I realize that it's not the room. It's me. This is still by far my biggest step. There are a lot of details that I have to go through when I want to simply eat at he nearest diner that I could found, when I walked to campus in the morning, or simply when I wanted to walk to but some things that I needed in the convenience store. There are doors to be locked, windows to be closed, bed to be tidy-ed up, dirty clothes that had to be taken care of, and so on. It was like I stepped in into in a whole different area. There are too much things to be taken care of and here I am,got used to be taken care of. I went home on weekends, caused by mental and physical exhaustion. But when I got back,I did all those things like I've did it thousands of time, like this is what I'm always doing.

But then campus life was another world of itself. Too much people, too big environment. The good thing is, it is not that hot, because there are trees in the pavements, making pedestrians comfortable when they decided to walk. People around me in in a whole different level. High School's diversity was like a small swamp, while the campus was like a big ocean. Ambitious, lazy, attentive, domineering, even funny comes in a wide range of diversity. Being adaptive and dynamic was like your social soul's starvation, since even making friends are a competition, where when you're late, it's hard to catch up. The ability to speak is needed, since almost everyone have the ability to speak up.

Then the thought came into my head. Is it really hard to adapt? Is it always been that hard or I have simply gone softer over these past years? Does everyone feel the same as I am, or am I simply not good enough? Does facing this for two days making your brain hurts?

To adapt, makes you mentally and physically drained, even me, a person who had experience it so many times still feels it - Mom, who nearly always sent abroad every nearly every 3 years for a 4-years-duty.

I guess I am normal, then

   

Day 12-- Bullet Your Whole Day

I think the 'bullet' part means that I have to write it in a form of lists? So here they go...

• Heard the sound of my alarm at 5.45 in the morning, but then I slept until 6, then I took a bath
• Walked to college orientation at 7 a.m
• at 7.30 the class started, then watched presentation in a form of slideshow until 10 a.m
• At 10, we took a break, I bought a cheese and chocolate sandwich with chocolate milkshake, Then I went to class 5 minutes late, and arrived at the class at 10.20
• Then I watched the presentation again until approximately 10.45?? Then we (my group and I) was in a treasure hunt against another team from the same class in the main library, which was so much fun.We played until 11.30 and went to class. Again
• Then I waited the arrival of another team in class, and at 12 a.m we had lunch break. I ate Yoshinoya's Yakiniku bowl while loudly chatted with 2 of my friends about the boys they had their eyes on.
• Then we went back to class at 1 o'clock and we had to present our effort to find the treasure in class. Fyi, I was on the first group so we presented without knowing anything to say, literally
• The class ended at 2.15, which was really early. So I waited my friend, who got another class in a different faculty, and chatted with another friend of mine who got class in the same place as I was.
• I went to the main library to meet my friend, and hung out there until 4 o'clock
• Then we went to some small, open canteen to had dinner. And the sky was already dark at that time. 
• Suddenly, around 5, it rained. It got harder and harder to the point we had to open our umbrella under the tent that protects the open canteen. People stared but we don't care since we felt so cold
• At 6, the rain fades out a little, then we wen to the mosque. We went home at approximately 6.30 and I arrived at the room that I rent for 10 days at 7 p.m
• Then I took a bath at 8 since another person was using the bathroom when I arrived. I finished at around 8.30-ish and ate an orange. Then my friend borrowed my fan,and then I opened my laptop and write  this challenge. 

So that's my whole day. Chao!

Day 11-- A Letter to Someone You've Judged from the First Impression

Hey

I have no means to judge. I am simply scared of you. I am scared of what you might think. I am scared of what you'd say. Silly, since you're not a green eyed monster that sleeps under my bed. Yes, you  joke around, Yes, you're easy when you're with them, but no matter how I tried, I can't reach you. I have to reach  you since we're on the same road. I can relate to someone that I knew from the social media better than you, which was weird. I usually relate better in person to people.  But somehow, You're my special case.  I don't know, but since that day, You change my views in you. I didn't remember what you did or say, but I couldn't act normally. I couldn't act freely or normally around you. When you're around, I feel like meeting my parents after I've done something unforgivable. Intimidated, my brain shrunk into the size of pea and my mouth refuse to form any coherent words. So, I just do something that I best. Walking away, instead facing the real problem.

I know that you have a good heart, together with a sharp tongue. I admire it, since I need both of them and I feel like I have only one of them max, which I'm not going to tell you which one, since I'm obvious. To have just a pinch of what I lacked of, is what I dreamed to be. Some say that my confidence issues are on the way, but I think I was raised in a different way than you are. I care too much of what other people might think of my action. But you're so sure of what you think is right. I'm not jealous of you, but I respected you so much I'm scared. It sounds silly, but it is the truth.

But to see that everyone was like you, I think that it  is God's plan to make me make a peace to someone like you. I met one of them, and I realize that there's still a lot of people worse than you, in a good way. Honestly, I can't find any flaws in you since everyone loves you and respects you. But to put it that way, means that I don't know you that much, which is true. But that have to change sooner or later, isn't it?

I mean, 4 year is a long time, and I still hope that I can make a good friend with you, if not a friend. I know that we sometimes have to be put in an unfamiliar circumstances in order to grow. I'm not comfortable around people like you. So I hope that I can be more than I am right now, If God helps me.

From someone who shares your name

Day 10- Put Your iPod in Shuffle and Write Down the 10 Songs That Pop Up

1. Set the Fire to the Rain - Adele
2. Bicycle Race - Queen
3. Beautiful Goodbye - Maroon 5
4. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
5. Towers - Bon Iver
6. Another Bite of Dust - Queen
7. Wipe Your Eyes - Maroon 5
8. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver
9. What Do You Want from Me - Pink Floyd
10. Nobody Home - Pink Floyd

My playlist seems like I'm a hipster. And I'm not a fan of mainstream pop songs. But really. My phone seems to like pop songs considering there are 8 Pink Floyd albums in my phone, Led Zeppelin, Of Monsters and Men, and Queen and that was 10 songs it picked. 

Don't judge a person by 10 songs that popped up in a shuffle mode.

Day 9-- A Letter to Someone You Know Who is Going Through a Hard Time

Hey You, wherever you are

Our life, is a game they say.

It is so fun that we forgot all of our problems like a mirage in the desert to a thirsty man.

It comes in a form of beauty, as simple as a flower petal and as complex as a galaxy full of stars.

It is full of takes and turns and ups and downs, making us scared in a thousand of different ways and making us cautious in selecting our very next big step.

It is so harsh, it can change our story as easy as flipping our hands.

But there is still God,

Who is always sure of us.

Who always gives us our best.

Who would always gives us something out of our comfort zones, knowing that we would not be better inside it.

Who would always throws something He knew we capable to take.

Who, despite there are probably more than 7 billion people, He doesn't make two exactly same story.

Who gives us something beautiful, as simple as dust and dandelions into as far as nebulas and galaxies and stars.

But most importantly, Whose plan is so unexpected It caught off our guards and leaves us hopeless but then suddenly God gives us something beautiful underneath all those clouds..

So Hey You,

Whatever phase You're in, remember there are beautiful things in life. Keep in your mind that you're not alone. And it is so much better to let it all out of your system. Eat chocolates, Watch chick-flicks and romantic movies, play games, make a fool of yourself, take pictures, read good books, have pets, eat a bucket of ice cream, ride your bike in the morning then enjoy the feeling of clean air and the warmth of the sun against your skin, ride coasters, cry and scream like a madmen, punch your pillows as though you give your vengeance to your enemies, basically do everything to make you feel lighter. Don't let all your problems hurt you physically, since you still got a long road ahead of you.

God will gives you something good in the end and eventually, good things will come. just keep that in mind.

   

Day 8--A Moment You Felt Satisfied with Your Life

Let's stop being naive. Satisfaction doesn't always come when you make your loved ones proud. I mean, it is satisfying but it's not the only source of satisfaction. 

For me, satisfaction is as simple as reading a good book until I feel some sort of emotional connection, pissed off because of a character, or anxiety when something is happening on the story. It often comes in a form of dazing out when I was listening to some song and focusing on parts that fascinates me the most. Or when the wind blew upon my face, breathing the fresh air, and feeling the warmth of the sun upon my skin as I ride my bike. 

But that was the outer layer of satisfaction. Or an artificially temporary satisfaction. Of course I can't deny the moments of achieving something of my own hard work. That intoxifying moment of bliss when you felt everything that you've been working at paid off was like the time that you realize how good life actually is and is always going to be good--which isn't always worked that way--but you feel like  you're ready to take anything life would throw. 

But satisfaction is an illusion. People can never satisfied. I can never satisfied since it's in my nature to find flaws within myself. But I guess this is human nature. So there's that. 

Bye!

Day 7--A Letter to Someone Who Had Passed

Hey You.

You might remember the only baby who you'd gave bottles of milk?

Many things happen since 7 years ago, which is no surprise. I believe that you're still watching, or so I'd like to imagine. You're the irreplacable replacement, but that is not entirely true. I don't think that you're replacing anyone, or being a replacement of anyone. You're still my number one on that role on my list.

In case you don't know, you're still haunting my thoughts. Whatever I do, I still think about what you might think. People think that I have forgot you but you're not that forgettable after all things you've done to me. To tell you the truth, I don't like the vulnerability I'd show since I don't like to crumble in front of people. But I guess you know better. 

I remember that you act in silence, which always radiates unconditional love and compassion. But of course they know better. I know now. 

I remember the sun rays as I sat with you in the guestroom, with you, crossed you legs as you read the morning paper. I remember the day you teached me to cycle, and the unreasonable laugh we shared the time we encountered uneven roads. I remember the time you accompanied my to my first days. I remember how you smelled on Fridays. I remember you've always ordered the same drink as me. I remember the conflicted feeling as I saw you come to get me when It rained heavily but I was still having fun with my friends. 

Thank You. For all the things you did. For whatever role that you think you're playing, which is always more than that to me. For your love and your presence which I'll forever treasure. 

Forever in debt,

I

Day 6 --A Picture of Yourself a Year Ago and How You've Changed SinceThen

Me, more than a year ago (on Apr 2012)

Me, a couple of weeks ago (May 2013)

How much have I change? I guess not much. I'm still very much the same girl who like books very much, who is still hesitant in speaking her own thoughts, who like to travel, and watch movies, who still have fears of roaches and letting people down. 

I can't really describe the change I have in myself since the past year moves faster than the speed of light. So many things happen both inside and around me I cannot grasp to proceed in what exactly happen and absorb it all instead. 

I can't see the change within me. And I think if I change, I'll let you know that I'm still the same old me inside. 

Bye!

Day 5--A Time When You Think About Ending Your Life

No. I've never in that some sort of time. I hope that I never will.

I think life is the greatest gift from God which we can't toss it and play it anytime we want. I believe that God itself who has the right to give life and to take away the life of His creatures. 

I'm young. I know perfectly well and perfectly aware in my steps that I'm in a phase where my raging hormones affect my desicion. I am perfectly understand that teenagers tend to make small problems bigger than they seem, but to make such a harsh decision to end my life and miss all possibilities in the world? 

They say we ought to make some mistakes since experience is the best teacher, but ending your life is something that you can't heal from. We know that we can fix it when we hurt someone's feeling, or rob a bank, or do drugs, but suicide?

We're young, we still have a long road ahead of us. There are still so much to explore, so much to learn, and there are so much beautiful things that we can get from life itself, from the world, and from people around us. There are still lots of secrets waiting to be unraveled and unexplored paths. 

Just don't lose the will of living. We lose a lot more than we can get from ending our own life. Remember--there's always people in worst condition. It's a choice whether you look from the bright or the dark side of it. 

Bye! 

Day 4- Your Views on Religion

Born from a fairly religious family, religion has been pretty much playing a major part in my life. And living a life in a country where practising religion and being religious is a demand from the society itself-- which makes me a fairly religious person.

Religion, I think, have a tight bond with us humans ever since the megalithic era. So I think metaphysically, everyone believe in God. Does atheists believe in God? I don't know. When they can see their death coming, do they still try to search for God? When fears come to their hearts, what do they have in their minds, since I believe fear, sometimes can be irrational? 

I mean, I agree that not all religious things can be explained logically. It is relatively hard for people to believe in bibles, or any kind of holy books, since they don't live in the time when the books are given to the prophets, so it is hard to understand. But we can't deny that somewhere in our heart, we have faith. For me, I need something to hold on to when I am afraid, when I am happy, or sad, or simply help me sleep at some insomnial nights. 

Religion, for me, is a kind of theraphy. It gives me a relaxing, soothing feelings when I am stressed, gives me strength when I am afraid, give me a cold head in the middle of anger, give me a feeling of letting go comes in much more easier to come, and making me believe that there are always sunshine and rainbow after the heavy storm which my religion guarantees. All in all, religion gives my restless soul an inner peace. 

Religion gives us both restriction and freedom. Truthfully, there are no restriction which have no logical reasoning behind the restriction itself, which people easily misjudge. People misinteprated the meaning behind the restriction, without knowing the real motive. This may caused by the contradictive beliefs between the religions itself which lead to the point where one religion feels superior. This superiority affect the society to be more sceptical and discriminative to the minority in the multi-religion society. 

Religion is often abused by the people with the higher power to give profits to certain group. It is commonly related to corruption. Not only that, the government can release abusive regulations to the certain minor religious group, because of the superiority and dominance that they felt. Not only abused by powerful people, religion are commonly being connected by some people to give vengeance to another people. People kill each other in the name of religion which of course will make a bad impression on other people who have different belief, which basically know nothing about the mistranslated act itself. 

Well, I think that's all in my mind when I think about religion. I understand that this matter is private in some culture, but I'm curious. What do you think? What do you atheists think? 

Bye!

p.s This is probably the heaviest thing I've ever written in my blog. 

Day 1-- Your Current Relationship Status. If Single, Discuss SingleLife.

Well, as a starter, this one is sure easy. My love life--as you can call it-- is simply nonexistent. As to discuss single life? I can't compare my life or my feelings--as somebody else's something because I've never gone out and dated anyone in my whole life.

A crush? I've never got a crush. Sure, I'd notice anybody who looked good and charming and so-on, but it never comes in a condition where my palms are cold and sweaty, or there was butterflies in my stomach, or my heart beats irregularly...I've never felt that.

Don't you want to find out how you would feel if you have somebody's heart under your sleeve? Honestly? Of course yes! I want the company, I want the trust, I want to have someone who would take me anywhere. I want someone who is always available for me. And I want the fuzzy feelings, I want the drama(not over dramatized like the Kardashians, though) I mean, I'm 18, for God's sake. I would be lying if I say otherwise. I've watched tons of romantic movies, even though I declared myself that I'm not into chicklits or a sappy romance, I can't ignore myself of being a girl. Every girl is a romantic at heart. I'm sure of that. No matter how badass she might be--it's always a dream of hers to be swept off her feet by her prince charming--doesn't matter how many times she'd deny it.

This might sound sad, but me and my friends actually made a group chat named--literally translated  "We Want to Date" because it seems that everyone around us have significant other. And we got nobody. And we talked about ''Oh, my friend goes out with him and I want to be like that.." or "you know what? I want  giant teddy bears. Like the one in the 'Valentine's Day'. Oh no. Not from you guys. Don't you get me those teddies! I want that from my boyfriend. Plus the cheesecake. And he better get me both the cheesecake, teddy and complete it with roses!" Me, being insensitive, just laugh, because we're that miserable. And it's kind of funny. We have a long way ahead of us, we are barely graduated from high school for God's sake, and we're thinking about this instead? Come on!

Am I living a miserable life? Nah, I still have my friends and family. If I wanted to go out or watch something on cinema or have a culinary adventure, I still got them. And, that's enough. I'm content with my life, in this exact time. 

ps. I can't seem to forget a conversation with my friend(who was crying over her boyfriend) in my 11th grade

Me: "You know what, you can talk to me if you want, but I can't give you any advice-- You know how straight my love life is!!"

Her: "Don't worry. I'm fine. And about your love life, don't worry. I'm sure you'd meet that one person who would take you to curves, circles and dead ends"

Bye!